Comments for Attached At The Heart

Comment on Excerpt by Richard H. Smith

Richard H. Smith — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 17:56:48 +0000

Dear Barbara and Lynn,
You are very successful in presenting helping support and direction for families. I have spent my career attempting similar activity without your organized results. Bowlby and Ainsworrth would also be impressed. I especially like your emphasis on relating, a two-way interaction.
This may seem trivial but I have atteempted to identify specifics of relating beyond the usual supportive statements. I especially like you attention to eye-to-eye interaction, a high priority for relating. Studies at LSU for bind infants were almost always delayed in relating but eventually learned to apply listening in a similar manner. Helen Keller’s book is excellent in ddescribimng when both are gone.
Did you know both Bowlby and Ainsworth did not consider eye-to-eye very important. They believed attachment was a condition of the infant that did not involve mother’s behavioir. Bowlby even said that a mother’s attachment to her infant was a pathological reversal. Ainsworth eventually agreed to eye-to eye behavior as important but with the warning that since it envolved mother’s behavior it ddid not purely represent the baby. I have always felt this attitide outrageous aand agree with Winnecott that an infant can only exist as a unioin with mother. Eye-to-eye or its substitute is essential for the infant to learn. When an infant is crying (Brazelton’s state 6) the infant is unable to,learn or remember.
An infant range of attachment requests for involvement increase when the mather detects interaction desire prior to the child crying. The early response actually delays and inhibits crying y a child who has learned to hope for the best.
I have many mothers respond with anger about the responsiveness observation. They have been driven to destraction by prompt responding to the infant’s request. A few mother’s have taken pride in not responding to their infants in order to increase the infants’ sense of independence. Attending the details of mother’s interest sometimes assists them to find their own insightful ability to moderate. Almost any directioin given to others(such as I am doing here) will be resented and misinterpreted.
Ainsworth could not test eye-to-eye contact in her abservation of the A The critical thing about attentive learning is its relationship to surprise. The newborn is almost always surprised by maternal activity toward them, but with a sensitive mother who reads baby’s clues, the surprise turns to pleasure. Thus, the interactive smile, sometimes in the first week, but not unsusal until 3 months which mothers find very frustrating. The sense of bonding heightens when this social pleasant surprise is shared and often becomes extended with games like peek-a-boo.
Controlled pleasent surprise becomes the hallmark of attachment, annd the child expands his interest in everything to stimulate this gratification. That is why a child never tires or is bored with mother becouse the child believes in personal effectiveness and ability to make changes when making surprises
A child does not like novelty (unlike current cognitive psychoilogy teaching). The infant and child of all ages is attached to controlled desirable change that surprise is the best example. A surprise is a child’s greatest reward and accounts for the child being rewarded by the sound of mother’s voice even if not being attended by her. The appearance that a child is attracted to novelty is a misinterpretation of the child attraction to a variation of a theme. This means the child recognizes how something is change from a familiar experience.
This attraction is observed in music that always varies the first presentation of a theme. Hum the melody of any song and this will be obvious. The variaton of a theme explains why mother’s always repeat what they say to their baby. Infant developmentalist say this is to modulate the infants emotional level (either to calm or excite). While that is a secondary benefit, the primary value is to enhance the sense of attachment.
Since Bowlby and Ainsworth restricted attachment to proximity with mother, I find your describing relationship much more helpful. The most effective route to relating is through acquiring a personal history and variety of many recognizable changing activites that keep surprise in the limits of the child feeling in control. Since this relating involves engaging more than restrictive presence (defined by Bowlby to be attachment ), I have defined mother-infant relating to be a motivational force that I have called by a unique made-up name of “engageance”.
If you find these ideas interesting or even confusing, I am very interested in further discussion. Any response on an e-mail reply is appreciated. (I typed several pages that may be deleted).
Thank you much for the time to read, Richard H. Smith

Comment on Attached At The Heart Available Now by Roxanne

Roxanne — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 17:52:23 +0000

I can’t wait to read this book! I’m sure I’ll love it as much as I do Kohn’s Unconditional Parenting.

Comment on Praise by Rita

Rita — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 15:36:37 +0000

As a parent, this book is GREAT! It explains the premise for and research behind the Eight Principles, and is my reassurance that what I’m doing in my home with my children is safe, healthy, and right and that I am indeed arming them with the “tools” against depression, anxiety, and all the other stresses so common in today’s society. And it’s great when others ask about my parenting approach, because I can pull the book out and read from any page to give them accurate, up-to-date, research-backed, parent-proven information on why Attachment Parenting is indeed the better way to parent.

Comment on Events by The first book signing in Nashville a huge success!

The first book signing in Nashville a huge success! — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 18:28:15 +0000

[...] Events [...]

Comment on Attached At The Heart Available Now by erin

erin — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 04:39:01 +0000

This book is AMAZING! So well written, so gentle and kind. I recommend that every new parent read this book!

Comment on The Authors by Kimberly Piet

Kimberly Piet — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 15:13:53 +0000

Hello. I saw your book on Dr. Sears website and then linked to your site. My husband and I are missionaries in the Philippines and have a young, growing orphanage there. We are always looking for training materials that will help us and our care givers to minister to these needy children in the most effective way possible. Having not read your book, nor seen it, can you please tell me if the methodology in it could be applied to orphaned/abandoned/abused/neglected children brought into our home at all ages? Also, if I may gleen from your obvious expertise…would you happen to have any other training materials, etc. that you think could serve to maximize our care of these children? I thank you in advance for taking time to consider my request, though I know you are very busy. I know that God will bless your willingness to help us learn to nurture these little ones to the best of our ability and for His glory!

Comment on Coming soon: Attached at the Heart by Evony

Evony — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 12:45:34 +0000

Amen! My entire family says I’m “smothering” my child with too much attention. My mother insists that I put him to sleep in his own room. My grandmother says I better stop carrying/wearing him or I will spoil him.
But it feels so natural to me to have him close all the time. I want to start building our bond now because in a few short years, he will be off to school and I won’t have this time with him ever again.
I’ve already read “Hold on to you kids” and it made so much sense to me -looking forward to reading Attached…

Comment on Coming soon: Attached at the Heart by geraldine dobson

geraldine dobson — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 10:17:43 +0000

Sounds like music to my ears!

Comment on Attached At The Heart Available Now by Amanda G.

Amanda G. — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 20:33:50 +0000

Congratulations! I’m SO excited that the book is finally out!!! Can’t wait to order mine and start reading.

Comment on Attached At The Heart Available Now by Rebecca Thompson

Rebecca Thompson — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 18:28:46 +0000

Congratulations, Lysa and Barbara! I know this has been an incredibly long journey to birth this book and I’m so glad that you kept going to see it to completion! It is so needed in the world right now! Can’t wait to promote it on my website for you!!
Best wishes for brisk sales as the information heads out into the world!
Love to you both,
Rebecca